Don’t Eat your Greens

Posted on June 10, 2011


Vegetables can kill. IT’S A FACT.
It is also a fact that vegetables have killed billions more people than aliens or asteroids…

Some vegetables look down right nasty. Others just taste down right nasty. However humanity can at least sleep easy, vegetables are evil there is no doubt about it but at least no vegetable aliens have ever been confirmed… theoretically, they would  be part of a balanced diet whilst they eat you. However I look at myself in the mirror and I have to laugh, if an alien vegetable did eat me, I would give the bastard enough cholesterol to explode it’s kidney-been-esque alien vegetable heart.

"Your mum told you to eat your greens? My mum told me to eat my humans."

German vegetables especially, are super efficient killers. Bean sprouts, grown in Germany are believed to have been the cause of a recent E. coli outbreak that has (so far) killed 29 people.

Over 3000 people have taken ill due to the infection, they all had severe diarrhoea. This in itself is immensely amusing, unless you are a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, they have to bathe in that shit you know.

"Dude, there's an over flow."

Mr Burger (oh, the irony), who heads the Robert Koch Institute which investigated the outbreak, told reporters on Friday: “People who ate sprouts were nine times more likely to have bloody diarrhoea than those who did not”.

Well there’s a first for everything isn’t there, healthy food kill.

Ironically anyone who opted for an Indian meal instead of a lil’ bean sprout sandwich was 50% less likely to have life threatening diarrhoea.

Body fascists everywhere with their silly vegetables, their kindle e-book readers and electric cars had to re-think their lives as the faux pas pride that kept them secure flushed away, literally.

But the crisis has seen several wide-reaching repercussions, first of all the stock holders at Andrex have finally raised the funds to genetically engineer a baby Labrador with a young child’s mind due to a vast spike in sales in Europe.  The “super puppy” will be the new mascot of the company and TV critic Jenny O’Hague said: “This test-tube, Human-Labrador hybrid will be much less creepy than those dancing CGI puppies Andrew is currently using in its adverts”.

It's a dog-eat-cake world out there

Secondly a worldwide conflict has been averted, after the E. coli infections began Russia closed it’s borders to EU imported vegetables of any kind. The resulting slump in sales forced German rural farmers, many of whom are Nazi sympathisers, to storm the Bundestag. During the siege of the Bundestag the farmers gained access to Germany’s nuclear weapon arsenal.

The leader of the revolt Guy Fritzy said: “Ve shall vipe out every nations populace but Finlands so ze Aryans inherit ze Earth, it iz our leetle gift to ze next generation of leetle kiddies”.

He then proceeded to laugh frantically in a crescendo of insanity whilst twirling his pencil moustache.

Last night at midnight, a crack team of super soldiers led by Angela Merkal entered the besieged Bundestag in order to quell the rebellion and the threat to the security of the world. The resulting fire fight lasted 17 seconds.

With the nuclear arsenal secured the world was no longer under risk from nuclear attack.

The revolt occurred as the farmers who were bankrupted by the economic slump ate their own produce and ran out of funds to buy much-needed toilet paper.

When it was confirmed that it was the bean sprouts that caused the outbreak, Russia re-opened vegetable trade with Europe. War was closely averted and rural German farmers could afford toilet paper again, the world has been once again been distracted from the genocide occurring in Libya and that can only be a good thing.


As a writer I feel it is my duty to preach to you.

Don’t stop eating vegetables, that would be foolish and pretty bad for anyone’s’ health.

Instead opt for the non lethal method to ingest your greens. Please deep-fry your vegetables in order to eradicate any harmful bacteria that could kill you, it may just ensure you live long enough to see German farmers take over the world…

Posted in: Crazy, Satire