The Fall of “The Rise of the Planet of the Apes”

Posted on June 16, 2011


Planet of the Apes, do we need another one, whilst this garbage is being defecated into our eyes and ears, a writer with an amazing script is considering committing suicide.

Hollywood, give us more original films please.

First of all watch this video, a picture may be worth a thousand words, but a video is worth a million.



Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Are you going to go to see it?
No, I didn’t think so.

IMDb rates the original 1968 film as 8/10 which is respectable. But the 2001 remake, courtesy of Tim Burton was atrocious, earning 5/10. Having seen both films, I for one, wished apes did rule the planet, at least they would have difficulties releasing any more Planet of The Apes films, and if they didn’t I would be far too busy being an ageing chimpanzee’s sex slave to notice… hopefully.

No I don’t like fucking Monkeys (or Apes), I just don’t enjoy monkey-centric Sci-fi films. Why a monkey, why not an alien ghost with a vagina for a mouth, that would sell, as would the merchandising rights to the inevitable sex toy that gets released post-film.

Apes in films, the idea peaked with 1933 blockbuster, King Kong, it has been lacklustre ever since.

2011, will be remembered for remakes and sequels, not original films. Marvel’s need to release a new superhero film every month also shows the industry’s lack of imagination. Comic books, they already have characters, scripts and fan bases, releasing them as films is just like stealing candy from a baby. They are all safe options, boring options, greedy options. Yes, X-men First Class was better than the originals but look at it this way. The X-men franchise has had five films in ten years.

That’s right, a new X Men film has been released every two years for a decade. Money spinner, right? And with sequels to First Class on their way, there is no end in sight.

The X-men franchise is literally worth billions:

X-Men grossed $296,339,527
X2 grossed $407,711,549
X3 the Last Stand grossed $459,359,555
X-Men Origins Wolverine grossed $373,062,864
X-Men First Class has so far grossed around $221,346,918

That is over 1 and a half billion dollars profit, which is absolutely insane. The majority of the X-Men films have been decidedly average.

To put this into perspective, after hurricane Katrina,  $500,019,000 was given to  rehouse the homeless in Alabama, (imagine having to make the choice between living in an underwater ruin or a dusty desert wasteland). The X-men films were worth three times more than the Katrina fund.

Priorities eh?

Most of the $500,000,000 aid went into teaching that guy how to write.

So we live in a world where terrible, lazy films like X-men gain more income than terrible natural disasters.

Such stupidity gives birth to the question.

Have the Apes already taken over?

Posted in: Crazy, Opinion