Who’s you Daddy?

Posted on June 18, 2011


It is father’s day tomorrow, I can barely contain my excitement.

The above statement was sarcastic of course. The prospect of visiting my father on a day in which we are supposed to worship him and offer tribute makes me want to go back in time and abort myself before birth.

As an old, withered, saggy-breasted gorgon with a throat canceresque voice said to no one in particular, in the seemingly tiny bus shelter this morning: “bah, father’s day, it’s jist another excuse for them tae make mare money”.

Whilst the sentiment was delivered with the flourish of a dead gymnast the words stuck in my head like a malignant, bullshit-tumour.

What is the excuse for father’s day, is it another money-making scheme so the CEO of Clinton Cards can buy a new solar-powered sex bot“, I asked myself.

I dunno…”

4 and a half minutes of research ensued:


21st century bible

From what I could learn it was a religious celebration of fathers… it was really boring, I didn’t read much of it.

The small scale celebration gained the attention of US president Woodrow Wilson who issued a holiday. The world’s fathers fancied a nice self-indulgent day too so other nations jumped on the metaphorical bandwagon.

Even Obama is helping himself to a slice of father’s day douchiness:

“So recently, I took on a second job: assistant coach for Sasha’s basketball team,” 

He said he has practiced with the team on Sundays, “and a couple of times, I’d help coach the games.”

“It was a lot of fun – even if Sasha rolled her eyes when her dad voiced his displeasure with the refs,” he said.

He said he was “so proud” to see her daughter learn, improve and gain confidence.

“And I was hopeful that in the years to come, she’d look back on experiences like these as the ones that helped define her as a person – and as a parent herself,” he said.

“Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there,” Obama said.

Obama is a great speaker but perhaps he should close his inspirational mouth sometimes. If I want emotionally moved, yet again, I will watch Saving Private Ryan for the 20th time.

In contrast to George Bush, this is rather nice...

In other news,  Beverly Hills gay couples have been using father’s day to encourage gay adoptions.

Opposed to this is Randy Thomasson, president of the Campaign for Children and Families/SaveCalifornia.com. And yes, he is rather religious.

He said: “Studies show that children raised in homosexual and transsexual households are highly likely to experience sexual confusion and to act out homosexually, bisexually and transsexually when then otherwise would not”.

This zealot sounds like a paedophile. Children shouldn’t be sexually active, homosexually, bisexually, transsexually or otherwise. Where did he research this? The Philippines?

He continued: “The facts confirm that children do best with a married father and mother, there is no reason other than selfishness for anyone to advocate placing vulnerable children into these sexually confused and sexually charged environments”.

Randy Thomasson: Using a scientific study to denounce homo-adoptions... even though he doesn't believe in evolution

If the child (who was living in an orphanage) grows up to be a sexually confused, attention craving lunatic then a: the parents can give themselves a pat on the back for a job well done and b: I for one will sit back and watch the accompanying reality TV show.

The kidnapped child looks deeply into the camera, trying to blink Morse code at us perhaps?

Junkies have children, can anyone seriously say gays would do a worse job? Really. Think about it. I would take the junky children and give them to gays. I would host a rock concert in order to raise awareness of my idea. Elton John is on board to perform, as is Duran Duran.

Naturally if gay adoption increases, there will be a multitude of unadopted Kittens. We could feed said Kittens to the junkies.

Or not.

This is the part of the article where a talented journalist wraps up the story with a reference to an earlier anecdote or theme. The full circle.

I say “fuck dat shit“.

Get a lot of sleep tonight, tomorrow your Dad is going to be a whiny annoyance who talks a lot of shit. I would like to think I have prepared you for that with my whiny, annoying article. It is his day, just be thankful you don’t have two fathers to tolerate…

Posted in: Humorous, Opinion