SUPER DRUGS: Running through the veins of our children and pets…

Posted on July 3, 2011

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READERS WARNING: This is a clichéd article about press scaremongering and the nanny state. Don’t waste you time reading it. Instead spend your time stroking a peacock or knitting a woolly jumper for a butterfly.

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First of all, the term “nanny state” is defunct.

Most nannies I have met are ruthless fascists who abuse and condition their offspring  just for the resulting rush of blood to the head it gives them.

…”I FEEEEEEEEL ALIIIIIIIVE AGAIIIIN!“…

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Abduct some children, I need to feast upon their souls

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They are obscenity-spewing gargoyles who reward loyalty with out-of-date werthers originals and on occasion, they may, without your consent, assassinate your enemies.

As a group they go by many names, unbeknown to the general public… The wrinkly Gestapo. the Shitzkrieg. The Sir Cliff Richard Brotherhood of Anarchy… you get the idea.

As a vague example of the undeterred bile-spewing, old folks can pull off, “in a charming way”.  I recall a nanny saying the timeless classic:

“I don’t mind fat people and I don’t mind gays but I cannae stand a fat poof.”

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Maybe she thinks all fat gays are like Christopher Biggins?

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I never asked why she hated chubby bum-chums , does she hate fat lesbians too? Where do you draw the line? Perhaps science will one day prove why this particular woman had an aversion to ALL obese homosexuals.

Typically, old people are evil, xenophobic and flawed, much like 1950’s TV: this results in a hilarious, laughathon that only ends after a stake his been driven through the heart of the aforementioned, elderly venom-spitter.

That is not to say we hate our grans, no, no, no. We love them. After all they made us the hardened, emotionless husks we are today, fit for all the nastiness society can throw at us.

They remind us of Yoda… had he joined the Sith and had contracted throat cancer.

This is what I envision when I read the word “nanny”, therefore I cannot visualise the dreaded nanny state that wraps it’s spawn in cotton wool.

My nanny state, is North Korea, I guess.
Harsh, character building indoctrination with a wrinkly old lunatic running the show. Yep, that sounds about right.

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Exactly like your grannie at a family party

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Great Britain, if anything, is a paedophile state.

We get given nice sweets, we get treated very well, we feel special and unique due to abnormal grooming techniques.
Then we eat all our sweets and we need more. But:

There are no more.

When your sweets are depleted, the state takes you into the broom cupboard and if it was a verb I would say: the state “paedophiles” you.

However it is not a verb.

So, I will have to say: the state FUCKS you.

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So here we are at the point. I know a good writer would have summed up the previous rambling in a Chinese symbol and a smilie. But I am not a good writer… and you don’t bloody read Chinese.

The story that sparked this article is right here, I recommend that you give it a quick scan.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-14006489

To sum it up for the disobedient reader who did not read the article like I told them to.
SUPER ECSTASY: Ecstasy for the shrewd consumer…

Valiant, detective inspector Craig McArthur, of Strathclyde Police, who is leading the investigation and the war on super drugs said:

 “Our inquiries have revealed that they are extra strong. If that is the case then somebody could be popping a tablet and it could have the effect of taking six tablets. So in effect it is a lot, lot, stronger.”

Extra strong eccies. What will they think of next?

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There was also a police enquiry when Trebor released EXTRA STRONG MINTS

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Scaremongering is inane, pointless, mundane, insane.

Yawn. Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.

Underwhelming scaremongering annoys me to no end. Three typical sounding headlines, that I just made up are:

DEATH PLAGUE KILLS 10
SUPER BACTERIA EVOLVES TEETH
CHINA INVADES THE MOON

Then there are real headlines that sound just as absurd:

How Facebook addiction is damaging your child’s brain: A leading neuroscientist’s chilling warning (Daily Mail)
Is Britain about to be plunged into a Little Ice Age? (Daily Mail)
Saddam’s “torture doc” works for the NHS (the Sun)

As a society scaremongering rarely keeps us from harm. It probably elevates stress and keeps us “safe” in our houses watching re-runs of Coronation Street whilst fearing all the murders and rapists who, I am sure, are just waiting to execute us…

All these years articles regarding mobile phones and their cancer-giving abilities have been published. I don’t know how many times I have had to turn the page in disgust when this story rears its ugly head.

Well it turns out, there is NO scientific evidence to prove that mobile phones give you cancer. None at all. As a matter of fact it is highly unlikely that a mobile can do any such thing.

Unless you download the cancer-giving app to your iphone presumably.

However the confirmation that mobile phones are harmless will not end the stream of canceresque stories we have to read: petrol car exhausts, lead, coffee and even dry cleaning are still regularly linked to cancer.

Whenever I read a story trying to scare me I ask myself two things: “Is it worse than 9/11 and will it fucking get me”. 100% of the time the answer is no. Therefore I remain calm. All is fine.

Why should I care if a select few ecstasy pills are six times stronger. I don’t take ecstasy, no one I like takes ecstasy… and this special ecstasy, it is six times stronger than what?

Do they have a guy, in an underground room who tries the pills then compiles and compares the results in a pie chart… that he then tries to eat.

At the end of the day, the drugs trade is a business like any other, it doesn’t pay to kill off your customers with “super strong” drugs. Who wants a bunch of over-dosed lunatic customers on their door step? NO ONE.

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Taste the rainbow...

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People who take ecstasy know the risk, if they want to ingest that shit. They should feel free to swallow whatever they want to swallow. I won’t try and stop them. I am not part of the swallowing police. I will however, in my sobriety, video them trying to deep-throating  a glow stick whilst rhythmically thrusting a chair when it inevitably happens… again.

It’s funny and I may be able to sell the entire video to a certain type of clientèle. The shady folk with the trench coats who come out at night and stand under lampposts, you wouldn’t dare pass them, you know the type. Creeps.

Now parents, that’s why you should lock up your ecstasy-using kids.

Some bad people, somewhere, may, at sometime, at some place, try to pornographically film your child, after they indulged in bad drugs, perhaps against their will, which they perhaps will sell to other bad people who may watch it and touch themselves to it.Have you seen Taken? WELL THAT WAS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG!

SUPER-DRUG-DISTRIBUTING-PORNO-DIRECTOR-RAPISTS 

That’s the next threat our country will face.

Read the whole story in tomorrow’s issue of the Sun…

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Posted in: Crazy, Humorous
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