Go Compare: Put Yer Mascot in a Casket

Posted on August 15, 2011

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“Go Compare”

His name is Gio Compario, his insidious song-like yelps quite rightly make him the world’s most detestable man. He is the face of insurance middle-man company… Go Compare.

First of all, let me say this, if Gio is the face of the company, I fear the company’s ass. Probability dictates that it would be a feces-spewing, Fred West/Christopher Biggins hybrid: a theatrical yet dangerous, poo-distributing abomination. Most folk fail to visualise such a beast and for good reason, even your wildest imagination would avoid creating it. If I was to put the question, “Who is worse?” to a poll, people would reveal they loath Gio even more… and that’s for good reason.

I can only tell you the negative impact this opera-singing, menace has had on my life. At night, when I am tucked up in my bed, cosy, comfy and suspiciously content, my television remains on stand-by and the curtains are drawn. However, Gio still forcefully penetrates my consciousness:

“Take it bitch, Go Compare, Mohahaha.” He gets me regardless of where I am, raiding my dreams like a Freddie Kruegereque dream-to-dream salesman. His not-so subliminal message is the bane of my life:

Need to compare, need to compare, need to comparerepeat.

From my beloved telly-box, Gio’s evil jingles torment me (and everyone else with a television) during advertisement breaks. Recently, Nick Clegg (formerly Britain’s most-hated man) acknowledged the fact that he is nowhere near as despicable as Gio, controversially a tiny minority of people disagreed with him.

Time to watch the advert now folks, go on, revitalise your hatred of him before I continue further.

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The identity of the perpetrator is widely known though. The bastard’s name is Wynne Evans, a 38-year-old father-of-two from Carmarthen… and surprisingly a real opera singer.

For two consecutive years, Wynne’s ad has been voted the most irritating TV ad by Marketing magazine. And we understand why.

We hate it don’t we? We hate Gio, we hate Go Compare, we even hate our own ability to endure the constant bombardment of abhorrent advertisement without ending our own existences.

We hate ourselves for tolerating the ads but remember, there is a man playing the insurance-centric, singing lunatic. A struggling Tenor from Wales with two children… In a sick way, I admire him. This man has tormented EVERYONE in the nation, constantly, for two whole years. That’s pretty heroic and that’s before you factor in how does karma rewarded him for his malevolent jingles?

In 2010, Evans signed a 6 album deal with Warner Music. His first album is called ‘A Song In My Heart’ and on the 21st March 2011, the album went straight to No 1… in the classical album charts. Holy Moly.

NOT ONLY HAS THE MONSTER BEEN THE UK’S MOST ANNOYING MAN BUT… HE HAS PROSPERED FROM IT.

Mr Evans is a smooth character, everyone knows the recent UK riots are a desperate response to his newest adverts. Like an elderly, money-conscious Dennis the Menace, this man played the most elaborate prank the world has ever seen… and got rich in the process.

I would just love to see his CV:

Occupation: Opera SingerRich, annoying twat; currently rolling about in wads of cash.

No matter what way we look at it, Wynne Evans lives the British dream. He became a “singer”, had a multitude of TV appearances and is stinking rich… a feat that Peter Andre had to work for constantly for many, many years with questionable success.

Oh the balls of the bastard, he is an inspiration to us all. He showed us that the underdog can rise to the top (and in the process make us wish we inhabited a dog-eat-underdog world).

"Simplesss"

If we are going to hate anyone why don’t we hate this lil’ git.

He tricked us into loving him. He is the literal incarnation of the door-to-door salesman telling us our “hair is pretty” or “our shoes are awesome”, we let him in the door to our hearts and he betrayed us, tried to sell us some over-priced crap and we had to buy it, we didn’t want to disappoint him, did we?

Also he may complain about people confusing Compare the Meerkat with Compare the Market but did you know that Aleksandr Orlov, the aristocratic rodent is actually paid in blood diamonds by Compare the Market, not only that but he is the leader of the Russian far-right movement, a fascist if I ever saw one, and not a very good one at that, he failed to notice that the fascists are using him for his money. They HATE Meerkats with a fiery passion.

My point is Gio Compario deserves your contempt but in contrast, everyone seems to love this hairy, little motherfucker for some reason. He is also a salesman and not a very good one at that.

When it comes down to it Compare the Market and Go Compare are pretty much the same company, they rely on their mascots to raise the company’s profile by any means possible to gain an upper foot in the market. The most annoying advert gets the most public attention, therefore the most people remember the website and spend their hard-earned cash there. I really just wish that people would stop using the websites.

The public are fueling the fires of Gio and Aleksandr’s stupidity. Stop using the websites, stop buying mascot merchandise (who needs a hairy meerkat doll for their house anyway) and stop acknowledging the existence of both company and mascot. One day they will go away.

One day.

I have the cold, the TV’s been on and the adverts of these corporation avatars have been giving me a splitting headache. Maybe when I feel better I will find it in my heart to forgive Aleksandr Meerkat and let him back into my heart.

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