David Starkey’s Outrageous Malarkey…

Posted on August 16, 2011

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Stick to the script David...

David Starkey is a critically acclaimed historian, celebrated scholar and TV presenter however he is more famously known as an unhinged lunatic.

Starkey is infamous for saying inappropriate, even idiotic things whilst being broadcast live to millions of people… yet I can’t bring myself to hate him.

Over the years the man has “let slip” more than a few controversial statements. Starkey has put his foot in the proverbial mess more often than a farmer’s Wellington boot but in spite of this his career continues.

One of his many accolades include the title, “the rudest man in Britain” bestowed upon him lovingly by the Daily Mail. The 66-year-old, homosexual atheist is a self-confessed contrarian Tory. I for one have never met an intolerant homosexual atheist but there you go, these things happen sometimes.

Many of you don’t know who David Starkey is, some know he is the old guy who talks about old things in old buildings, a small minority of smart-arses will claim to know everything about him before hastily consulting Wikipedia.

What you know is immaterial, it’s what you will know when you have finished reading this article that counts.

Starkey prides himself in shocking the public, he has admitted before that the David Starkey we see on television is a persona but no matter whether we are being disgusted by a grumpy old man or as fictitious warlock, it is worth our while to take a look at a few of his best moments… Are you ready?

In 2009, during Question Time, Starkey said that Scotland was a “feeble little country”. His rant also included Wales and Ireland. After insulting around half the population of the UK did Starkey relent? No, of course he didn’t, he decided to continue enraging the Scottish by saying Rabbie Burns was a “deeply boring provincial poet” and by claiming that the bagpipes are “awful”.

David Starkey's head on a platter

Scot’s everywhere were donning their kilts, gathering long-swords and in the process of putting blue dye upon their faces, just before they phoned the BBC to complain. One person said that the comments were “racist and hurtful to the Scottish people.”

Could Starkey’s inflammatory comments have attributed to the dramatic win of the SNP in Scottish Parliament recently… Who cares?

No matter what, here is the video, it is well worth a watch.

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If your name was on the death-list of several million people, you would probably lie low, David Starkey didn’t hide though, the attention only encouraged him to cause greater havoc. He decided to continue along the same path of idiotic, career-shattering controversy.

In 2010, Starkey sparked a historian gang-war, (probably as boring as it sounds). He claimed that female historians were turning history into “bizarre soap opera” . He added that they were “usually quite pretty” and keen to show off their good looks on their book covers.

He also expressed his anger at the feminization of history. He claimed that undue attention had been given to Henry VIII’s wives, even though he had presented his own television series on the subject. He stated: “But it’s what you expect from feminised history, the fact that so many of the writers who write about this are women and so much of their audience is a female audience. Unhappy marriages are big box office.”

I hope Michael Moore won't adopt this tactic at book signings

At the time his silly, little rant was targeted at Amanda Foreman, a female historian who once posed naked holding copies of her book Georgiana, Duchess Of Devonshire. Her PR stunt probably wasn’t as successful as David predicted it was, (it took me 15 minutes to find that blasted lo-res picture.)

Naturally the Daily Mail ran the headline:

“David Starkey attacks ‘pretty girl historians who show off their looks on their book covers'”.

When taken literally the headline makes Starkey sound like a malicious serial killer on the loose with a vengeance, however I stress that it is highly unlikely that David Starkey murders people.

Females felt that Starkey’s remarks were sexist, most guys wondered why he was complaining about a naked woman…

It doesn’t matter who was correct, the female historians gained recognition by the public and fortunately they brushed aside his remarks.

Lucy Worsley, chief curator at Historic Royal Palaces and author of a book you have no interest in learning the title of said: “If it wasn’t insulting and degrading to judge historians by their looks, I would point out that Dr Starkey looks like a cross owl in the pictures on his own book covers.”

"Oh no she didn't..."

This was a “oh no she didn’t” moment for Britain’s historians, a further embarrassment for Starkey and more importantly…a rather amusing ordeal for the casual observer. The historian gang-war had subsided but worse was to come.

David Starkey’s sexism didn’t end after that mighty kerfuffle, later he was unfortunate enough to say that in comparison to former monarchs, Queen Elizabeth II was merely an uneducated housewife.

A housewife. He called the Queen a housewife… that’s excusable for commoners like you and I to say but let’s remember, Starkey depends on his links with the royal family to continue making programmes on the history of the monarchy. What he did was the high-culture equivalent to a footballer assaulting his manager with a crossbar. You don’t bite the hand that feeds you…

David Starkey does however.

This year on channel 4’s Dream School, (a dreadful programme where celebs try to teach kids), Starkey said one of his 18 year-old students was “so fat” that he “couldn’t really move”. What’s most shocking is that the guy wasn’t even fat.

Most recently and most controversially when talking about last weeks riots on Newsnight, Starkey as always gave his expert opinion on why the “chavs” were rioting…:

“What has happened is that the substantial section of the chavs that you wrote about have become black. The whites have become black. A particular sort of violent, destructive, nihilistic gangster culture has become the fashion,” he said.

“Black and white, boy and girl operate in this language together. This language, which is wholly false, which is this Jamaican patois that has intruded in England. This is why so many of us have this sense of literally a foreign country.”

The whites have become black… could he have said anything worse? In fact what he said was so bad that Boris Johnson could have stood on Saint Paul’s cathedral throwing baskets filled with puppies from the roof whilst singing Whitney Houston songs… and no one would have noticed.

Starkey then referred to Labour MP for Tottenham David Lammy, who he described as “an archetypal successful black man”. He said he sounded white.

“If you turn the screen off, so you were listening to him on radio, you would think he was white.”

He sounds white? It appears that David has confused the words black with violent and white with intelligent, that’s an easy mistake to make isn’t it?

[I asked several million people whether they confuse these words with each other, apparently no one in the history of mankind has ever confused the words black with violent and white with intelligent.]

Here is the video for your viewing pleasure…
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The BBC received more than 700 complaints in response to the hateful speech, a new personal record for Starkey.

Several high-profile people jumped on the, condemn-the-lunatic band-wagon. Labour leader, Ed Miliband, described Starkey’s comments on race as “disgusting and outrageous”.

He continued: “It is absolutely outrageous that someone in the 21st century could be making that sort of comment. There should be condemnation from every politician, from every political party of those sorts of comments.”

BBC reported Robert Peston tweeted that: “David Starkey’s nasty ignorance is best ignored, not worthy of comment or debate – though I fear there will be a media feeding frenzy”.

Professional twat, Piers Morgan described him as “a racist idiot”

What did David Starkey do in response? He rapped live on TV…

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So after offending Scottish people, Irish people, Welsh people, all females, working class people, young people, fat people, queen Elizabeth, Henry VIII’s wives, Rabbie Burns, white people, black people, white people who have become black and black people who have become white can David Starkey actually offend anyone else?

The answer to that is yes, the only person Starkey has failed to insult is God… and that’s only because he hasn’t had the time to get round to doing it yet.

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