No More UCAS and More of UrCASh: Student Chaos in England

Posted on August 18, 2011


READERS WARNING. This article is no better than its headline…

Yesterday, the dreaded envelopes penetrated letter boxes all over the UK, fell all-too-fast to the ground and remained there, all-knowing and malevolent until that fateful moment they were opened. THE SMUG BASTARDS.

You failed P.E. How?

Ecstatic cuddle, disappointed tut, full-blast hay-maker to the chin: each parent handles their child’s results differently but we can all agree, wondering how your parents will take your exam results can consume and destroy all but the most degenerate students (I was/am? a degenerate).

If you haven’t guessed it by now, I should spill the beans… yesterday English, Welsh and Northern Irish students received their A-level results. Therefore the youths exchanged their usual laziness and contempt for society with en mass panicking… and for good reason.

Let’s just say the odds weren’t good for youths gaining a university place… and they will be getting considerably worse over the years to come.

There are several reasons for this.

Since last year, the amount of university courses in England has decreased from 33,105 to 29,400; that’s 3705 less courses than last year, just think how many students there are on each of those courses, it is a large number of students without a place, (I should remind you that is likely that other courses will take on more students so the figures are slightly deceiving).

Oh that’s bad, I hear you say from afar, yet it gets worse… much worse.

This doesn't even harm his rep...

Due to the 2012 tuition fee rise (which Nick Clegg said he would prevent), courses previously costing around £3K are reputed to be rising to just under £9K. That’s costing the prospective English student an extra £6K… per year.

Because of this, the number of students taking a gap year has decreased dramatically (around 40%) in order to avoid the rising tuition fees. They simply cannot afford to wait another year.

In a way, the rest of the world will be spared the agony of having to converse with the sheltered, upper-middle class wannabe’s who embark on gap-year adventures. Hopefully this means no more Etonian expeditions to the arctic circle to harass Polar Bears in their only habitat… Next year it’s likely tiger-baiting will be on the agenda. Obviously I am mentioning the Polar Bear attack in Norway’s arctic in which a boy tragically died and more were injured. Dangerous animals can kill people, that’s not me scare-mongering, it is a FACT.

Anyway, it’s a very cut-throat business gaining a university place nowadays and I do not envy those stressed-out, little studenty folk.

Everyone was aware that university places were going to be sparse this year and we who is to blame, don’t we and don’t get me wrong I could spend all day condemning Conservatives and Lib-Dems (Condemning, get it?) but England elected the Tories (kinda) and now they have to reap the fruits of their Labour (excuse the pun) as the old saying goes.

Perhaps they will learn their lesson this time, more likely they won’t

UCAS – the website where students apply for University courses – was overloaded at nine o’clock yesterday morning , as it struggled with the large volume of hits from frantic youths. Last year after the result,  there were only 461k hits on the site, opposed to the 1.2 million it was assaulted with yesterday.

That’s three times more students on the website than last year…

For the first time in several generations, English students are gaining entrance to higher education courses, not only on the merit of their exam results but also on how much money their parents can supply them with. How many young people can afford £9K per annum? And how many people will be paying the extortionate fees to earn a degree in art or sports where the revenue returns are not guaranteed?

It’s difficult to defend such drastic social and economical suicide. Time will soon tell but I reckon David Cameron will find his “Big Society” ideology is nothing other than an weak charade that has transparently failed.

He applied for Psychology

By denying working-class families higher education, the Big Society will fragment what was a relatively fair and equal nation, into small, segregated pockets of people who are either filthy rich or filthy and poor. The gap between rich and poor will become cataclysmic and what’s worse, no longer will university friendships be forged between rich and poor students, inter-mixing or mingling if you like helps to dispel the stereotypes that prosper during times of financial strife. If you don’t know any well-off families, it is easy to bad-mouth them, even resent them, the reverse is also true for well-off families who don’t know any poor families. It is common knowledge that mankind fear what they don’t understand but they can also hate what they don’t understand.

Social mobility is a measurement of a fair society and in layman’s terms, if you’re “skint”, then, no university, no degree, no high-salary, no money, you remain “skint”, unless you start flogging skunk outside your local student union…

Social mobility will soon transform into student mobility i.e. they will study abroad, maybe even stay in the foreign lands, disenfranchised by the betrayal of those they trusted. The metamorphosis has already began.

Uni students should look like this... 😉

Obviously under the previous system, hard work and financial opportunity offered many years of educational prosperity, the likes of which the UK has never seen before, no one is claiming it was perfect but it was something to be proud of. Anyone with brains and a bit of drive could apply for uni without having to worry about fees. Now low-income areas will become cesspools of bitterness and broken dreams, essentially it will be more difficult to “leave da ghetto“.

The UK riots we seen recently were conducted by a vast minority of young people, however as for future riots, well… there’s going to be a hell of a lot of angry, unemployed young people with nothing better to do than punish those who undone them. The minority may become the majority.

Personally, watching the Tories, quite frankly FUCK the educational system, their voters and their future has made me more thankful for my “free” education paid for by the Scottish Government. Nonetheless, no longer will I expect fairness and equality from society, I am no longer complacent and neither should you.

In the years to come the effects of throwing away the talents of the English working class will cost the nation more than just money, it will cost England its soul, torn asunder and left to decay,  the mistakes we make today will haunt future generations.

Well England, recently you needed Scottish officers to assist you with your riots, now your students may very well occupy our universities… Few of you will admit it but one system is working… the other is not.

That got quite serious didn’t it. I reckon I got a bit too passionate but hey, if it was my education at risk let’s just say I would be a very angry and bitter person with a feud… no one deserves to be hindered, especially so blatantly.

To conclude and lighten the mood. A terrible joke.

  • What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?

    See ya