Hurricane Katia Approaches

Posted on September 11, 2011


Nail down your children, bubble-wrap your pets, don your metal anoraks. Hurricane Katia is coming to town with a vengeance.

As a citizen with a hole in the roof directly above my bedroom, I can personally say I hope this storm subsides before it hits us. Otherwise I will have to hit the hay with my water-wings on tonight.

A severe weather warning covering northern Ireland, England and Scotland has been issued by the met office, Britain is going to get battered by gale-force winds of up to 80mph late on Sunday and Monday. This means that come Tuesday, Kirkwood’s scrap-metal, shanty-metropolis will be spread throughout the Clyde valley, cluttering decent settlements.

A massive 27 people will be made homeless and a further five will be rather upset by the proceedings. The storm will be highly damaging to Coatbridge’s fragile economy, costing it an estimated £17.53, which is mostly comprised of taxed car-jackings, regulated drug-dealing and debilitating alcoholism at Silky’s, the local tavern.

Mick McMickleson, a local burglar  said:

“Ma life is over, ma hoose is blown away and ma job is feckin’ pointless now, all the hooses a used tae rob ur gone too“.

Transportation will be disrupted too, as the ferry-man who carries Kirkwoodians across the Styx to the job center has taken an early retirement due to the highly stressful nature of his occupation.

He said: “Never before have I came across such a rude bunch of people. It’s just upsetting, people just don’t have the same respect anymore, I just want to spend sometime with my grandchildren, before it is too late“.

Although the winds will not be hurricane force by the time Katia – rated a category four hurricane at its peak – reaches the UK, the Met Office chief forecaster, Eddie Carroll, urged people to keep up to date with forecast warnings.

Chantelle Scullie, an assistant at the local chemist said: “Aye, well things ‘il get right bad if this place gets blown away, aww the methadone will be gone and I don’t think Red Cross will get back-up supplies tae us any quicker than a week ur so, ma Shuggie ‘il be scunnered withoot it“.

She added: “Ah heard the hurricane was an SFA conspiracy, if it’s raining heavily Neil Lennon won’t be able to trim his rosebush and come matchday, he will be under great distress“.