In a Perfect World…

Posted on September 28, 2011


This morning on my commute to college, soaked to the skin, unnaturally cold, enraged, short of breath, short of height… and sweating, a lot: as usual, I wondered, why isn’t life easier?

So in response, during a class, under the guise of doing actual work I compiled a list of things I would improve immediately… had I the power and motivation to do so.

So called “modern” technology was one of my pet hates, followed by public transport, then I started despising humanity as a whole, due to the fact many people aren’t only keen to be ignorant but they feel the need to spread the ignorance.

More and more I questioned what, we, us, society as a collective, the masses; whatever you want to call it, take for granted. We expect everything to be efficient and perfect and the truth is, nothing is perfect.


After the robot uprising of 2134, Coatbridge never looked better


We herald our technology as our savior. The perfect example of this delusion is: primitive man used foliage to clean their behinds, now we use paper, sophisticated foliage but foliage nonetheless. Hardly a great improvement…

We strip our planet of resources just to feed almost all of our electronics, using fossil fuels is like making a chew-toy for your pet… from your pet. We won’t need the Ipad 15 if our planet’s climate will ruined with mother earth flatulating down all the pylons rendering us powerless.


The new Ipad comes with a free gas mask and AK-47 for all your future survival needs


So in a perfect world, our electronics would be “green”, there has to be an alternative to destroying the world in order to watch questionable online videos.

Also public transport is not to be confused with public toilet, I’m talking to you, homeless old guy on the late-night 62 bus to Airdrie. The state of our transport system is totally… probably fine when compared to having NO public transport. However, the great people of Scotland deserve better than the service we are getting.

Any company that employs drivers who would sooner run you over than pick you up has a fundamental recruitment problem. But, there are always more malevolent companies out there:

Scotrail, or as I like to call them “Scotrail! Grrr *teeth grind, fist clench*” are particularly apathetic towards human suffering. This is ironic as they seem to be the root cause of all bad karma-juju.

The lower echelons of the company seem normal, even if they give of the impression of being slightly oppressed extra-terrestrial, worker-drones. I have met many courageous ticket collectors who have known I have no ticket, instinctively they know I can’t afford a ticket and therefore done the charitable thing and ignore me.

There are others though, those lesser-beings who know you are rushing for a train. THEY KNOW, yet, they give you the ticket as slow as humanly possible, slower perhaps. I would call it snail’s pace but I would receive a letter from snail-kind declaring their distaste for such a comparison. These guys are the Ticket dispensers and in several years they will be replaced by semi-functional machines that rapidly print you the wrong ticket, but damn, at least they will be fast. A machine no matter how faulty will never bear any malice towards a customer, at least no until after the great robot uprising of 2134 but that’s a while away yet.


After the 2134 robot uprising all carriages will be empty- permanently


Next on the list is a better distribution of common sense, an example being, earlier today in the toilet of my college I washed my hands, then dried them with a paper towel, as I was not content with my hand humidity, I deposited the towel in the bin and proceeded to use to hand-dryer positioned directly above the bin. Now all people can comprehend that air dryers blow air, no one can dispute this.

Therefore I have to ask why the lovely, hard-working Cardonald cleaners make life difficult for themselves. When I activated the hand-dryer, every used paper towel from the bin blew away and took refuge in every nook and cranny of the room. I can swear that one was covered in blood, someone had clearly committed a “Murrrrder“.

This tragedy could have been avoided, it could have been averted, if only someone realised that air comes from air blowers. I tidied the paper up that one time but to this day I find paper towels scattered across the floor. Tut tut.


Alas, poor Maggie. I knew she would have to clean this up - a darling of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy


If the world was perfect everything would be better, there would be no more silly stupidity, everything would be clean, serene… sterile, boring, too easy, pointless.

If I couldn’t complain about rain, trains and back pains what the hell could I talk about instead, how happy everyone is? How shiny and efficient the sky buses are? How pretty the malevolent, titanium cyborg wielding the cyber-rifle’s red-eye is?

Bah, I don’t want my children to grow up in a world where everything is perfect, inefficiency is character-building and besides, if I go through it, I will make sure they endure even worse. The little gits.