Cinema needs an enema!

Posted on February 22, 2012

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Absolute garbage: coming to a cinema outlet near you

RESTRAINT: Big Momma's House 3 is frequently shown in Guantanamo Bay

Why does cinema need an enema? Well the first reason is that there are so many poor films we have very little choice in what we see, the producers need to clean up their acts, the second is that enema nearly rhymes with cinema.

Have you noticed the monotony of film releases recently? It looks to me like the recession is harming the movie biz. Or, perhaps Hollywood producers have discovered a whole new type of high that involves, taking the only copy of any unique or interesting films, melting them on a spoon and injecting them straight into the eyeball. I hear it is a blast.

Either way, cinema as an art form is dying a long, painful death and I can’t help but mourn the death of the media-type that for so long distracted me from actually thinking about all the evil things I do when I drink whiskey. So many lives taken before their time…

*Ahem*

2011, the year that give birth to gash such as Cowboys and Aliens, Real Steel, Puss in Boots, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Transformers Dark Side of the Jobby, Final destination 5, Harry Potter 17, Conan the Barbarian, Ronan the Barbarian, Mr Popper’s Penguins, Shark Night 3D, Happy Feet 2, Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: Chipwrecked, Big Momma’s: like Father like Son and Spy Kids 4: All the time in the world 4D.

Don’t defend these films, don’t even try, I mean it, as Moriarty from the recent BBC Sherlock series said: “I will burrrn you”.

Nowadays we seem to be relentlessly barraged by one average superhero movie after another: Thor, Captain America, X-Men First Class, Green Lantern, The Green Hornet, Ghost Rider with the Avengers, Batman, Spiderman, Judge Dredd and GI Joe two on the way.

Sure, people may say: “Oooh the Avengers looks amazing” or “I’m really looking forward to Batman”, it does and I am. However, they know you enjoy superhero flicks, that’s why they relentlessly bombard us with them. If the industry only feeds us “good films” in the form of SFX heavy, action hero flicks, should we really be thankful or surprised when they turn out to be relatively entertaining?

Where are the classics? I don’t want to watch the King’s Speech or the Artist, they break up the monotony but is their Oscar-ness only because Colin Firth didn’t wear a leather gimp mask and cape, this time… It goes to show how pathetic the industry is when a silent film wins most of the awards.

“Oooh the Avengers looks amazing”

“I’m really looking forward to Batman”

“I have the IQ of an elderly hamster waiting for someone to fill the water feeder before I die of dehydration”

Adapting a comic book must be the easiest thing in the world to do and I include breathing in this list, at least bronchitis can sometime hinder this. All the characters, setting, themes and story arcs already exist, all that is required is for a script to be stitched together.

And have you ever seen a hero movie that has had a triumphant Andy Dufrain escaping Shawshank moment. The feeling of emptiness when everyone dies in The Departed. A villain coming even close to Joe Pesci’s “you think you’re funny” scene in Goodfellas.

Tobey McGuire’s Spiderman opened the flood gates of high grossing, terrible hero movies, how can a shaven monkey with the traits of a reluctant sex offender be a superhero? NAY, how can this same guy win the MTV best kiss award. Presumably because he was wearing a mask.

No, it is all very clichéd and predictable. Especially prequels such as X-Men First Class where I was just waiting for the beloved James McAvoy to become suddenly paralyzed from the waist down.

The Dark Knight touched upon greatness, in no part due to Heath Ledger’s crazed performance (is it a coincidence he killed himself not long after?), although the plot had more holes in it than a submerged Somali pirate’s ship. X-Men first Class was enjoyable, mostly because it recognised it had to break the pattern of the modern-day, underdog, reluctant hero, predictable villain waffle.

Read comics instead, they are where all these scripts come from, at the end of the day have you ever heard of a comic adaptation of a film (except Star Wars, smartass).

Recently where film has failed as an entertainment medium I can’t help but notice the high quality of TV and video games. Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, Walking Dead and Sherlock have all proven to be compelling viewing and some of the best programmes I have ever seen. Similarly 2011 saw the release of video games titles such as Batman Arkham City, Skyrim, Deus Ex 3, Gears of War 3, LA Noire, Uncharted 3 and Portal 2 all of which are actually worth the £40 price tag.

I never understood movies to be honest, in this day and age, it is rare for me to give anything my full attention for any extended period of time. For example if the Lord of the Rings Return of the King extended edition 3D was to be released tomorrow, would anyone sit through the four hours without pulling out their phones to tweet, Facebook, play Angry Birds or generally just photograph other people’s’ junk?

Of course not, some people may even stream alternative films across from their phones in the theater to stave of their boredom. Plus I hate the idea of taking the girlfriend “out” to watch a “giant” TV. I am quite happy watching bluray on my 40″ HD TV.

On viewing the superhero box office figures one can’t help but be bemused. It is disgraceful that the Spiderman and Superman (both of which are being rebooted this year) earned so much money as they were fundamentally terrible movies.

And Hancock, was that even a movie? It may have just been a Fresh Prince’s alcohol fueled breakdown. Good to see there is a second such breakdown planned for late 2012…

Rank Title (click to view) Studio Lifetime Gross /Theaters Opening / Theaters Date
1 The Dark Knight WB $533,345,358 4,366 $158,411,483 4,366 7/18/08
2 Spider-Man Sony $403,706,375 3,876 $114,844,116 3,615 5/3/02
3 Spider-Man 2 Sony $373,585,825 4,166 $88,156,227 4,152 6/30/04
4 Spider-Man 3 Sony $336,530,303 4,324 $151,116,516 4,252 5/4/07
5 Iron Man Par. $318,412,101 4,154 $98,618,668 4,105 5/2/08
6 Iron Man 2 Par. $312,433,331 4,390 $128,122,480 4,380 5/7/10
7 The Incredibles BV $261,441,092 3,933 $70,467,623 3,933 11/5/04
8 Batman WB $251,188,924 2,201 $40,489,746 2,194 6/23/89
9 X-Men: The Last Stand Fox $234,362,462 3,714 $102,750,665 3,690 5/26/06
10 Hancock Sony $227,946,274 3,965 $62,603,879 3,965 7/2/08
11 X2: X-Men United Fox $214,949,694 3,749 $85,558,731 3,741 5/2/03
12 Batman Begins WB $205,343,774 3,858 $48,745,440 3,858 6/15/05
13 Superman Returns WB $200,081,192 4,065 $52,535,096 4,065 6/28/06
14 Batman Forever WB $184,031,112 2,893 $52,784,433 2,842 6/16/95
15 Thor Par. $181,030,624 3,963 $65,723,338 3,955 5/6/11

AND I THINK YOU WILL BE AS ANGRY AS I WAS WHEN I SEEN THIS.

53 Catwoman WB $40,202,379 3,117 $16,728,411 3,117 7/23/04
54 Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Fox $38,187,431 2,409 $13,104,788 2,409 6/30/95

Catwoman, in my opinion, one of the worst movies ever made, above my childhood favourite. Oh how the “Mighty” have fallen. I actually have nothing but contempt for Halle Berry, as the worst Bond girl in the worst Bond film to the worst superhero in the worst film ever. How can she look herself in the mirror? Well I actually have the answer, Halle Berry pretends that she is an actor playing Halle Berry so that her failures can be attributed to a non-existent script for a non-existent show.

Even worse is this:

76 The Powerpuff Girls Movie WB $11,412,414 2,340 $3,583,114 2,340 7/3/02
77 Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie Fox $8,363,899 2,113 $3,301,135 2,113 3/28/97

While Turbo was indeed a terrible movie I can’t even imagine it being worse than the Powerpuff Girls, a film whose fan base exclusively includes little girls and the sexual predators hunting them.

Get the whole box office list here

I can’t be bothered writing anymore. This is the first blog post I have written since my first post in 1879 when the internet was first invented, please be kind.

And don’t feel the need to tell me that you thought that Captain America was a “heart breaking” film just because he left behind the girl he had a bit (I stretch the definition of a bit here) of a crush on.

Cinema needs an enema because I say so!