Online piracy: I know you stole Michael Buble’s album for your Mum

Posted on March 31, 2012


Pirate is a term chucked around freely these days.

Depp is probably Burton's geisha-concubine

It is a term that gives Johnny Depp the funds to escape yet another kinky Tim Burton film where he is forced to do the degrading sexual things that sustain his pimp-like director. It is a term that causes malformed-alcoholics yearn for murder on the seven-seas. Mostly though, in the context of online piracy, it is a term, that is broadly misunderstood.

If the media is to believed, there exists a syndicate of professional laptop buccaneers, online pirates, or more infamously “Knock Off Nigels” (you only seen the piracy advert that coined this phrase if you actually bought a DVD).

Despite this erroneous archetype, online pirates are otherwise known as…

Wait for it…

Almost absolutely anyone and everyone with a laptop and an internet connection.

I know that you stole Micheal Buble for your mother. I know that you bought Adele (secretly for youself) and then downloaded it again because your either lost the disk or were too lazy to sync it on to your computer.


A pirate is a person who uses or distributes copyrighted material. A pirate receives more blame for the recession than the bankers that caused it. They are branded thieves and vandals and leeches.

The one problem is however, that almost everyone downloads and uses supposed illicit material everyday. Everyone is a pirate. Everyone.

Saving music on me 'arrrrd drive

The music and film industry are very vocal about these pirates, backing big bastard’n acts such as SOPA and PIPA which will ultimately limit, or even destroy the internet as we know it.

It is estimated that 95% of music available online being downloaded illegally despite the fact that the music business has increased its digital revenues by 1,000 percent from 2004 to 2010. Digital music revenues grew an estimated eight percent to $5.2 billion in 2011, while the number of people paying to subscribe to music services leapt 65% to 13.4 million worldwide. This is not an insubstantial amount of money.

What the industry is really denouncing is the fact that people no longer have to buy terrible albums.

KKK Music ltd suffered great loses due to pirates using the internet to access GOOD music

Li’l Jimmy McAmerica from Farmtown, Nebraska no longer has to purchase songs about lynching “black-folk”, that was dated in the 50s because it is the “only album the local record store supplies”. Instead he can listen to a diverse range of artists, with unpronounceable names, from all over the world… weirdly sing about the same thing: snorting coke off a hooker’s/gigalo’s breasts/butt-cheeks before beating him/her up.

Just one look at the UK’s top 40 singles charts (below) unalterably proves that that the 5% who are buying music from Itunes, time-share a brain. These people are probably too stupid to play the music they bought with the clump of money they received when they applied for a payday loan or when they sold blood/semen/organ/spouse. If a gene pool literally existed, these people would be the gene-pool cleaners who come in at night and clean the turds and beer cans the health genes left behind. The list below is composed of songs that could be unedited torture sound-bites dubbed over  futuristic laser-war recordings.


Katy Perry − Part Of Me
Sean Paul − She Doesn’t Mind
Gotye Ft Kimbra − Somebody That I Used To Know
Labrinth − Last Time
Nicki Minaj − Starships
JLS − Proud
David Guetta Ft Sia − Titanium
Flo Rida Ft Sia − Wild Ones
Emeli Sande − Next To Me
David Guetta Ft Nicki Minaj − Turn Me On
Jay-Z & Kanye West − N****S In Paris
Alexandra Burke/Erick Morillo − Elephant
Dj Fresh Ft Rita Ora − Hot Right Now
Jessie J − Domino
Jason Mraz − I Won’t Give Up
Stooshe Ft Travie Mccoy − Love Me
Swedish House Mafia − Greyhound
LMFAO − Sexy And I Know It
Tinchy Stryder Ft Pixie Lott − Bright Lights
Azealia Banks Ft Lazy Jay − 212
Rizzle Kicks − Mama Do The Hump
Kelly Clarkson − Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)
You Me At Six − The Swarm
Ed Sheeran − Drunk
Marcus Collins − Seven Nation Army
Coldplay − Charlie Brown
Lil Wayne Ft Bruno Mars − Mirror
Rihanna Ft Jay-Z − Talk That Talk
LMFAO − Sorry For Party Rocking
Alyssa Reid Ft Jump Smokers − Alone Again
Pitbull Ft Chris Brown − International Love
Lloyd Ft Andre 3000/Lil Wayne − Dedication To My Ex (Miss That)
Olly Murs − Dance With Me Tonight
Rihanna Ft Calvin Harris − We Found Love
Florence & The Machine − Shake It Out
Dappy Ft Brian May − Rockstar
Coldplay − Paradise
Maroon 5 Ft Christina Aguilera − Moves Like Jagger
Tyga − Rack City
Drake Ft Rihanna − Take Care

Every single person in the music industry who claims to produce, manage, advertise, promote, release, or publish music should have the word “WANKER” tattooed directly onto their soulless eyeballs for they are the people charging you way-over-the-odds causing both the artist and the consumer to suffer.


Why would anyone want to download a film for free?

Here’s why:

Free, instantly available, no wait for release, no need to leave the house, if it breaks it can be replaced, no adverts and it easier to consume. Not to mention the fact that purchased DVDs can have up to half an hour of adverts before the film actually starts.


Some what refreshingly, the IT Crowd had a satirical take on the above clip.

Then there is Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails and Radiohead who are seemingly happy to deprive record companies of money and encourage fan to download their music.

For the first time ever, the ball is in the consumer’s court, and it is we who have final say in the industry. Never be guilt-tripped by a music industry persona but at the same time, give your favourite artist some money to ensure they can indeed continue to snort coke off a hooker’s/gigalo’s breasts/butt-cheeks before beating him/her up.

And if like me, you downloaded a Micheal Buble album for your mother, remember that this handsome bastard will suffer. Stop being a miserable bastard and buy your mother that album.

What a handsome bastard