Politits: Judging MPs for the fun of it

Posted on May 6, 2012


DESPITE Labour councilors making a momentous comeback against the coalition in the 2012 local authority elections, the only true winner was voter apathy, and humour.


Turnouts as small as 24.7% in Manchester ,  26.2% in Coventry, 23.25% in Nottingham , 27.65% in Birmingham  and 24.12% in Bristol all helped contribute to Britain’s shameful average turnout of around 30%.

There are many reasons why voter apathy is so apparent. Fifteen years ago baby-faced Blair came into power and done things differently; the handsome, charismatic bastard had so much support he started, with the help of George Dubya Boosh, an illegal war in Iraq.

Blair or Bliar?

The misguided crusade for WMDs resulted in millions dead, one nation steam-rolled and another (us) in severe debt with having adopted the responsibility of “rebuilding” a smoking-crater of a nation. Blair’s descent into madness/evil/severely-practical-oil-seizure left a bitter taste in the mouth of voters.

Blair’s departure (/retreat?) from politics left us with a whole host of untried, uncharismatic newbies, who, as time has told us, led to more disappointment. Blair changed the nation’s perspective of government, gone was the teamwork-based cabinet, the compartmentalisation of blame, which gave way to the supreme leader.

The PM had his fingers in many pies, figuratively, running the departments of his cabinet ministers, whereas I suspect Eric Pickles (pictured), Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, literally has his fingers in many pies.

Insert your own bloody caption

After Gordon Brown became an unelected PM it became apparent that the Fifer belonged behind the scenes, way behind the scenes. Charisma had become integral to running a nation and charisma is a concept, one that relies upon cheap tricks and deception; arguably not actual political finesse.

Obama promised change, we believed him. He didn’t deliver. The first black president, the bringer of change, the harbinger of redemption, unfortunately only succeeded in showing us how broken the USA actually is.

It is almost impossible for anyone to deliver on their pre-election promises, we are balls deep in a recession, therefore, subsequent promises become more sterile, less interesting, pointless, petty. Pathetic.

Before I continue, let me explain what a recession is for anyone who has been too lazy to understand why they now have to suck the meat of discarded chicken bones.

Britain is a child.
A child who removed £5,098 from his parent’s piggy bank and in its place left a hastily written IOU.

Anyway, the general consensus dictates that politicians suck. Let’s look at why they suck.

Yes, I likened Boris Johnson’s scrotum to a lovable dog

Ed Miliband: Labour Party Leader

The Conservatives are despised by everyone north of Boris Johnson’s moppy-headed, Dulux-dog scrotum. People genuinely pray for the invasion of China in order to secure themselves a better living and more human rights.

Ed Miliband looks like a Mr Bean’s bloated corpse if his genome was crossed with an albino toad. He is as attention-grabbing as a mosquito’s fart and that voice, that voice. Tightly squeeze your nostrils and scream, it is a more palatable noise.

However, despite him often being mistaken for his brother, and him being barley capable of holding anyone’s attention for any period of time, Ed has been performing well recently and Labour’s local authority resurgence may be in no small part, because of him.

I perceive him as an underdog, so do many yet he is the leader of the Labour party, a really powerful man. Why do we feel sorry for him.

The state of the country is pitiful and the coalition are about to feel the repercussions of their poor leadership. So much so in fact that Labour could actually have  Boris Johnson’s moppy-headed, Dulux-dog scrotum as a leader and they would still win the next general election.

David Cameron: PM

Man’s best friend or man’s only friend?

Looking past all the rich-guy, Eton-schooled, typical Tory, thatcherite nonsense I am obliged to feel towards Cameron, what I see is a man between a rock and a hard place.

Traditional Tories are ancient, ignorant, deeply-christian, Euro-hating, stem-cell snorting pustules of hate. New-age Tories are whimsical, petty and generally well-off. Cameron has to deal with both these groups with Miliband and Clegg snapping at his ankles like ravenous squirrels.

This must be like juggling with greased-up china vases… going to end in a crash, a smash and someone getting hurt.

On a positive note, he has a hot wife, so well done Cameron.

To sum up Cameron, avert thy eyes from this sentence to the picture ->

David is actually threatening to kill the puppy if the business sector doesn’t start growing. He is obviously ignorant of the fact bankers feast on the suffering of tiny, woodland animals. Or maybe he is actively feeding the fat cats to appease them.

But, he is after all a blithering, soft-spoken moron whose only saving grace is the fact that he could hide behind his even more inept (and thinning out) cabinet ministers.

Anyone remember Andy Coulson, Chris Huhne or Liam Fox? They are all gone for their respective misdemeanors. Then there is Theresa May, who is an inspiration to heavy-handed,  clowns everywhere. Her handling of Abu Qutada was amusing to say the least.

Nick Clegg: Deputy Prime Minister 


The leader of the Liberal Democrats has been branded a villain, partially through his own inability to combat the Tories and control the austerity measures.

English students burn effigies of Nick Clegg while Cameron sniggers in his evil tower, burning effigies of students.

Clegg was the new kid in town, hipsters, douches, foolish optimists and alternative wasters everywhere heralded him as a savior.

Performing well in public polls before the general election, the Liberal Democrats were projected to have a very successful election.

The Lib Dems had modest success in the election, since Clegg formed the coalition he has had all the influence of a mute mouse trapped down a well.

He is the political equivalent of a flaccid penis. A flaccid penis that ought to be hard, viciously probing George Osborne’s fiscal policies with the vigour of a sex-starved pervert.

Alex Salmond: Scottish First Minister

A Scottish leader who looks Scottish

Salmond is running the show in Scotland and that annoys unionists both north and south of the border.

For this, he gains kudos. Having formed a majority Scottish government under a voting system which was initialised to prevent this, he has had success as the leader of the SNP.

If Clegg is indeed a flaccid penis, Salmond is an incontinent anus, spluttering feces all over every nation south of Scotland on this hemisphere.

Despite the fact, that he looks like a over-cooked baked potato being lambasted by bile secreting caterpillars Salmond’s leadership, is so far, one of UK politics’ recent success stories.

He may be a nationalist, but trust me he ain’t half as bad as the next guy.

Nick Griffin: Leader of the BNP

A man whose political premise is reaffirming “send ’em ‘ome” in a more eloquent way.

Griffin is a holocaust denier, this is ironic as he looks like the reanimated corpse of someone who died during the holocaust.

On a daily basis he has to combat being a chubby, hate-fueled, arousal preventing grease globule.

Oh, and the decline of the BNP.

Also, European far-right groups have been unsettling quiet after the Norway massacre, courtesy of monster Anders Brevik, in an attempt to distance themselves from the tragedy.

The UK has to juggle allowing Griffin freedom of speech and protecting others as his hate-fueled bile sucks ass.

The views express belong to no one alive or dead and is not supposed to represent anything anywhere. You saw nothing.

P.S: Ed Miliband, please become amazing.

Posted in: Clegg, Comment, politics