Just how much Mario Balotelli madness can I fit into this page?

Posted on January 10, 2013


Mario Balotelli is one of the best things to happen to football since the invention of the sphere. – Me

I am going to let that hang there for a second. The 22-year old Man City forward is amazing. Some people call him crazy, others think he is disrespectful. He was dubbed  “unmanageable” by arguably the world’s best manager Jose Mourinho.

I for one think there is method in his madness, Balotelli has a grand plan, mere mortals like us just cannot comprehend it. Do you know what happened to those who laughed at Noah when he built his ark? Of course you do. They drowned while Noah *ahem* saved every species of animal in existence, ever. And do you know why? Of course you do. They were dicks to Noah. Well Balotelli is building something somewhere and you probably want in on it so you better not laugh. Okay?

I want to chronicle the miracles that ‘Super Mario’ has bestowed upon us. Think of me as Mario’s first apostle, documenting his life before he no doubt gets crucified. Below is a ragtag list of confirmed Balot-exploits (that didn’t work did it?)

Balotelli has a history in getting involved with major conflicts

Balotelli has a history in getting involved with major conflicts

He has a grass allergy. During the Europa League match against Kiev two years ago it emerged that Balotelli has a severe grass allergy which forces him to take antibiotics. As a result of the swelling on his face and arms he had to leave the pitch. A footballer with a grass injury is as tragic as a fish with a water allergy and may go some ways to explaining why Mario gives the impression of someone who has an illness. A mental illness.

He assaults minors. As a gifted striker Mario often hits the bullseye… but  he was fined a week’s wages (£100k) when, wait for it, he was caught throwing darts from the training ground window at youth players. Yes, youth players who had no doubt just finished puberty that week. Just another day at the office for Balotelli.

Mario followers know no shame

Mario followers know no shame

He is ‘in the money’. During his second week as a Manchester City player Mario crashed his new Audi R8 near the training ground. Police on the scene searched him and found £5k in his back pocket. On asked why he was carrying the equivalent to quarter of a year’s salary for many people Mario simply boasted “because I am rich”.

He is a prankster. Like Loki the Norse god of mischief, Balotelli likes to cause confusion among the masses. The are other times when he just likes to be an annoyance. He tripped up teammate Dzeko just fo kicks. Why not? Hit the video before for a peek.

He’s a show off… What Mario lacks in sanity he more than makes up for with on-field talent. Below is an example of the bored genius trying to showboat during a friendly against the vomit-inducing LA Galaxy. Why vomit-inducing?  Everyone has seen LA Galaxy’s  horrible white Addidas jersey with ‘Beckham’ smugly smothered on the back  often after it has been forced onto a chubby blond kid called Ollie’s expansive torso because his middle class parents are trying to “help him fit in”. Did you not want to punch Olly? Shut up. You know you did. Therefore LA Galaxy are vomit inducing. Ok.

Mario also appears to have a short attention span. There are confirmed reports that  his Mrs Balotelli (his mum) asked him to travel to John Lewis to buy her a vacuum cleaner on his return Mario had instead bought a trampoline and two Vespa scooters in a van. Go on admire him, any haters are clearly jealous. All of us have been sent to the shops for bread as children only to come back with no bread, no money and some chocolate wrappers foolishly hidden in our pockets, Mario is no different, he just takes the biscuit (what a terrible pun).  He also converted the backyard of his multi-million pound home into a quad bike race track for the heck of it.

He has a serious illness. Speaking of his childlike behaviour Mario “Bibatelli” has a serious illness called “Bibitis”, an acute inability to navigate a bib over his head, as can be seen in the video below.

Travelling minstrels have wrote songs dictating Mario’s greatness. Obviously the church of Balotelli has already documented many of his miracles in a beautiful hymns, one goes something like this :”Oooh Balotelli, he’s a striker, he’s good at darts. An allergy to grass but when he plays he’s fucking class. He drives around in Moss Side with a wallet full of cash.”

Sure the Man City choir do not have the finest voices and the pentameter is way off and frankly the lyrics are terrible but I defy you to find a more fitting tribute to our Mario who’s ongoing hilarity has ensured our enjoyment and probably staved off a few suicides.

Mario doesn't seem to have a "good head upon his shoulders", we know for certain though that he doesn't have a good hat upon his head

Mario doesn’t seem to have a “good head upon his shoulders”, we know for certain though that he doesn’t have a good hat upon his head

He has a unique talent for getting into places. Two years ago Mario and his 17-year-old brother Enock were caught walking through grounds of a women’s prison in Brescia, near Milan. Mario responded to police that curiosity got the better of him and “just fancied having a look”.

He is an internet sensation. Mario’s celebration during the world cup has made him one of the internet’s most meme’d characters to the extent that Sean Bean had a hissy fit the other day in jealousy. Check out some here.

He is a firm believer in internal firework displays. Less than two days before the ever important Manchester derby in which he scored two goals, Mario was rescued from his mansion by the fire brigade after he  let off fireworks in his bathroom causing so much damage that he had to move to a hotel. On the bright side at least super Mario wouldn’t have needed a plumber… Also ironically later that week Balotelli was unveiled as Greater Manchester’s ambassador for firework safety.

I'ya burn ma housa down

I’ya burn ma housa down

Sometimes he wears the wrong football jersey. When he was an Inter player Balotelli made the understandable mistake of donning an AC Milan top and going on an Italian  TV program. His Inter Milan career was ultimately finished after such an ‘innocent’ mistake.

The top even has his name inscribed on the back

The top even has his name inscribed on the back

He was the one thing the ‘Great One’ failed to control. When asked to describe his time with Balotelli Jose Mouinhio only had this to say: “I remember one time when we went to play Kazan in the Champions League. In that match I had all my strikers injured. No Diego Milito, no Samuel Eto’o, I was really in trouble and Mario was the only one.

“Mario got a yellow card in the 42nd minute, so when I got to the dressing room at half-time I spend about 14 minutes of the 15 available speaking only to Mario.

“I said to him: ‘Mario, I cannot change you, I have no strikers on the bench, so don’t touch anybody and play only with the ball. If we lose the ball no reaction. If someone provokes you, no reaction, if the referee makes a mistake, no reaction.’

“The 46th minute – red card!”

He is also a thai boxer. Mario clearly likes a good punch up having been in spats with teammates clashing with team-mates Jérôme Boateng, Vincent Kompany, Aleksandar Kolarov, and Micah Richards. Also more recently manager Roberto Mancini.

We all love an underdog, not so much scrapping the underdog off the floor though

We all love an underdog, not so much scrapping the underdog off the floor

Mario Balotelli is reckoned to be worth just shy of £30 million to Man City. I reckon he is invaluable to mankind. He has a plan. And we better pray that he follows through with it. No doubt, there’s more to come from this man who laughs in the face of sanity.

Have I missed something out, am I wrong, is the article shit and I should run across a busy road until I come into contact with a speeding car? Why not have your say below. Shithead.