The internet’s binary vagina birthed sub-cultures, counter-cultures, niches, groups, clans and the occasional weirdo commune who execute non believers. Everyone has seen things they would rather forget. But. Nothing defies logic and sense as much as the group who call themselves “Bronys”.
Bronys are fans of the My Little Pony show, males of differing age, ethnicity, sexuality and World of Warcraft level. It is claimed that they are fighting the conception that men cannot like female things, I wonder this, what does sexuality matter if there’s no chance of you using it with another person?
These men, who predominantly attend university, claim to have a real love of the lil’ plastic horses. Well, they are adorable. The horses that is. Upon a quick Google search, it is clear to see this love is expressed in the many millions of pages of fan art, fan fiction and Youtube videos. The fixation upon a show aimed at 5-10 year old girls would be harmless fun if I wasn’t so concerned for the safety of the young girls who share a love of the show.
DISCLAIMER, bronies are not sexual deviants.
There is a claim that the bronies are the arbiters of a counter-culture, a male rebellion, the antithesis of bra burning. Well if post-modern males can pick and choose their revolutions why not embrace nudity, or get tear gassed in Syria for no specific reason? Why collect children’s toys?
You may think I am being intolerant of a harmless movement. I do not think the bronies are gay nor do I have anything against homosexuals before some zealous naysayer calls me a Nazi. However, actions should have reactions. Normal people should be surprised by grown men collecting little pink toys. It is weird, it’s unexpected and it’s most likely the sole reason people express their love of toy horses… for the attention.
If the world was acceptable of the bronies, there would be fewer bronies and more people collecting goat’s gut necklaces and discarded condoms.
The MLP lovers have a saying:
“I am going to tolerate the shit outta you”.
How dare they tolerate me, I try so hard to be an asshole. So bloody hard. I don’t want to tolerate bronies. How can I respect someone who chooses to collect MLP instead of lego, or stamps or mutilated doll’s heads, these are much more normal hobbies.
Humanoids feel the compulsion to differentiate ourselves from the crowd, some people tattoo stars upon themselves, others wear hipster spectacles, some people do both, while self-instagramming pictures to prove how different they are.
Newsflash, an asshole in a retro filter is merely a retro-filtered asshole.
Relatively, cowering from society behind mini-multicolour ponies, dyed from the tears and blood of sweatshop children, seems less douchy than hipster wankerism.
But it is still a mortal sin!
It’s really easy to pick on bronies, I mean really easy, which is why I am going to pick on bronies… they just don’t have the lawyers that scientologists take for granted.
MLP lovers don’t fear ridicule because they are either foolish or brave. I admire and hate them in equal measures. Well perhaps I hate them a little bit more.
Why should I tolerate bronies if people won’t tolerate me wearing tight hats upon my fat head? Why can’t I wear brightly coloured socks with my shorts? Why should bronies get a free pass? WHYYYY?
Prophetically, the following video proves why pronies get a free pass. By all means feel free to skip through it. The video’s conclusion is the best of all. If all bronies are anything like this guy who seems like a perfect cross-section of the movement then we should learn to embrace them, if only for our own amusement.
As I said, it would be easy to poke fun at this guy. But I will refrain, he needs help, he loves the ponies for their purity and morals and that is an endearing thought. It is beautiful.
Why does society deem that guy a weirdo? Most males his age play video games with mind-numbing violence aggressively desensitising them to the extent that Saw merely resembles a pilot of the Lithuanian Teletubbies.
Like everything on the internet the bronies have a sexual side. I do not recommend you visit this site, but you totally should. We are all adults right? (If you are not an adult go and play with Lego, shoo, go, go away).
http://ponyperverts.tumblr.com/
This website has a place in the world, some of the art is really good, I for one am thankful we are suffering from a recession, otherwise the artist responsible for these images would be busy, you know, working, in a job, for a person, with an arts degree… Yes, that’s a thing.
Here’s a picture, I censored it as best as I could be bothered doing in MS Paint.
Ok, that image is quite vile and yet quite alluring… *punches groin*.
Where was I?
Now you know what a brony is, you can rest assured that evil is being contained. Bronies cannot exist in a fascist state controlled by the Illuminati and for that we can be thankful. This community of loving, tolerant people are society’s canaries, the second they start keeling over you better delete your internet history and battle the cybernetic organisms of the oppressors.
So, to conclude, never ever judge a book by its cover, although, book covers do exist solely to describe books.
Forget that analogy.
Never judge a man by the children’s toys in his bedroom. I mean never have sex with him, he clearly has problems but smile, talk and accept him.
Also, I have saw your internet history, so back off! ‘Bratwurst’, ‘donkey’ and ‘dubstep’ should never be used in the same search!
Posted on March 8, 2013
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