5 unconventional ways to reduce the UK budget deficit

Posted on October 23, 2013

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We’re in debt. We. The UK. I shop in Lidl and Farmfoods. This just won’t do!

Excluding temporary loans to banks the UK is currently sitting on a budget deficit of £13.2bn and borrowing is expected to sit around £80bn (5.1% of GDP) – excluding the sale of the Royal Mail.

I figured I should do my civic duty and help increase national revenue through synergising government policies. Synergise!

1: Work for Benefits

Chancellor Osborne is introducing a policy telling the unemployed they have to work for their benefits. Some call this slave labour.

Slave labour DID built the pyramids and we still admire them to this day… so it’s a good thing, retrospectively, one thousand years later.

With youth unemployment (16-24) sitting at around 958,000 many youths, like me, play violent videogames like Call of Duty to pass the time. While the argument that these games cause murder rampages is absolute poppycock, seeing Seargeant Crunchler decapitated by a bearded ‘ well-rounded representation of muslim (lol)’, one day before retirement, will desensitise kids to violence.

More importantly I learned how to fly a drone in Call of Duty 4, killing from the skies with impunity. Call of Duty 4 was my Vietnam, I came out of that a veteran (with all the achievements), and returned to society unappreciated, unloved. Unnoticed. And out of work.

Osborne, you want to make these kids work for their benefits?

£34,670.That’s the salary of a drone pilot.

War: This chair is murder on my back

War: This chair is murder on my back

Sack them all and have these kids do it for their £50 a week. And they’ll thank you for it by literally burning your name into the moon with hellfire missles.

2: I’m a Cellmate: Get Me Out of Here

Prisons cost £2.2bn a year and are still heavily over-crowded. This week, (October 21/13) there are 84,987 people in prisons and young offender institutions in England and Wales. The male prison population is 81,054 and the female prison population is 3,933.

Prisons are underfunded and are being privatised left, right and centre, so how do we exploit… I mean help these people create a revenue stream?

Reality TV. I’m a Cellmate: Get Me Out of Here

Wakefield-prison

GRITTY. REAL. HEART-WARMING. SINGING. DANNY DYER. DANCING. VOTING. COLDPLAY.

The definitive prison talent show, and a good way for Glasgow kids to see their fathers (geddit?).

We’re fed up seeing young talentless individuals put their heart and soul into becoming a star. I want to see Shug threaten to remove someone’s heart and soul if he doesn’t get through to the quarter final.

Additionally, I would like to see Simon Cowell and Will.i.am trapped within the walls during riots when news of vote rigging comes out, especially with presenter Danny Dyer protecting them with a small pink switch blade he smuggled in within his empty noggin.

‘Simon, facking run, it’s kicking aff with these bois. Mental.’

Additionally to the last additionally, who wouldn’t want to buy a convicted white supremacist’s Christmas songbook: featuring great hits like ‘White Christmas’, ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (and I did her in)’ and ‘Frosty The Deadman’.

3. Positively discriminatory gift cards and holidays

Multiculturalism hasn’t completely worked. Let’s be honest.

Just look at Theresa May’s failed “go home or face arrest” advertising campaign against illegal immigration – mostly orchestrated on seedy vans.

The economy is also shabby. So how do we stimulate the economy AND spread the love?

‘Hug-a-dirty foreigner day’.

Essentially you hug strangers (or friends) who would not make it into a Cornwall tourism leaflet or a UKIP brochure.

This national holiday will confuse white supremacists. One the one hand they will have a national holiday because of ‘dirty foreigners’, on the other, they will have more time to… white supremacise (yeah that’s the verb).

Additionally, positively discriminative cards will be released by ailing retailers like Clintons:

‘Thanks, for being black’; ‘It’s good you are Chinese but we count you as one of the team too’; ‘I thought Botswana was a type of sandwich… but I’m glad you’re not xoxo’; and finally my favourite, ‘foreigners go home! With our blessing! As frien­­­­­ds’.

Happy Hug-a-filthy foreigner day

Happy Hug-a-filthy foreigner day

As a result, Britain’s beloved retailers will benefit creating jobs and social cohesion. SYNERGY!

4. Politics is like a football park…

Part of this budget deficit problem is the fact it’s hard to explain, and no one is really listening.

The UK is a footballing nation with high capacity stadiums. Last season’s English Premier League had an average attendance of 36,553.

Instead of having Prime Ministers Questions in the murky parliament, the MPs should tour the union’s largest stadiums on match day to have patronising debates about green energy to a captive audience at half time.

Ministers would be able to explain the budget and wider politics (using sports analogies) and fans can don the colours of their favourite party (red, blue, yellow).

Until three quarters of the crowd could pass a ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’-esque questionnaire on what was discussed, there will be no second half. NO SECOND HALF!

David Cameron said: “At the end uf tha day, dem Labour just can’t keep dat bawl out tha net, they’re shit and they know it, shit and they know it, shit and they KNOW IT”.

It's not going to be worse than this is it?

It’s not going to be worse than this is it?

Bring politics to the people. Whether they like it or not.

5. The Sexy Bedroom Tax Rebate

Cameron recently introduced an opt out sex filter to protect children from unrealistic portrayals of relationships and sex, especially in the case of violent, “simulated rape” pornography.

The coalition also introduced a bedroom tax which adds an extra 14 per cent to rent for one extra bedroom and 25 per cent for two or more extra bedrooms.

On average, claimants will lose an average of £14 a week.

Time to synergise these policies.

Cameron is concerned that children are not having realistic enough portrayals of sex. Invite claimants to open their spare bedrooms to cameras – during lovemaking – to map the habits of British lovemakers – for the children’s educational purposes. And, as payment, forgo the bedroom tax for that specific room.

I can save money you say?

I can save money you say?

This could also work in a reality TV format with the involvement of Ant & Dec.

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